安静

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我没有这种天分 包容你也接受她

我会学者放弃你 是因为我太爱你

Tears.

I cried. Was playing mahjong with my Eldest Sis and my younger brother. I was taking a new cards and suddenly I cried. They freaked out. It was so sudden. It’s been a while since I last cried. All this while when I cannot always tell anyone about my day, I will just keep to myself for most of the time. Kept too long, exploded I guess. =/

But it didn’t last so long la of course, I mean I didn’t cry for a very long time, maybe only 5 Mins? ^^

 

Ouch. T.T

It’s aching so badly. I feel so so hurt. T.T

Eyes swelled and pain. T.T

</3

I can hear the sound of my heart broken into pieces. It’s irritating and hurting my ears every second every minute. The pieces of my heart is shattered all over. I am stunned sitting on the ground didn’t know what to do. I am collapsing.

It’s bleeding non stop, anyone kind enough to borrow me a plaster?  It’s so painful and I don’t know how to react. My other senses became malfunction for I can only feel pain now especially the pain in my heart. Only him can cure the pain that I’m going through now. But will he cure me once again?

All this while, I’ve been trying my best and very hard to be a good girl to him. Guai guai listen to what he says, he asked me to study harder for my exam, I listened to him and study non stop from day to night. I didn’t even dare to rest even when my brain is overload and cause headaches in me. I’ve been loving him ever since June and it didn’t really stop even after August 17th. Yes August 17th, I will never forget how sad I am that night. Singing falling slowly and crying so badly but I didn’t dare to tell him. I act normal in front of him.

No matter what he told me, I listen and I love it. I don’t even care whether what he told me was lies or not. I love him still. I love his lies and I love him for who he is. No matter how good he say I am, no matter how he know how much I love him and how much I need him, no matter how he say I could be a better gf,  or perhaps like he said I am cute in my own ways, but it all doesn’t matter anymore when he’s chosen her even when I’m better than her like he said. What did I do wrong? If I’m really this good like he said, why am I not chosen? I can give up everything for him, even I am so eager to work in sg is also because of him. What’s the use of me being a good girl anymore when he doesn’t even like me?

I am collapsing, drowning in the sea of love, can anyone kind enough to give me a hand or perhaps a rope? My heart so so pain >< </3 I only hope for him to care for me, he said he will still care for me, I really hope he do, that’s the only thing I ask for. >< Coz I really can’t live without him anymore. ><

I am listening to better in time, it’s gonna hurt when it heals too, I can only pray hard and hope everything will be better in time.

 

Please continue to care for me, you are keeping me alive. ><

Christmas.

Christmas has always been a warm season of all the year. Although it’s always end of the year, but I love Christmas. Christmas this year is meant to be more special compare to the past few years because I’m gonna celebrate it in Singapore. It’s been year I wanted to celebrate my Christmas in Singapore because they said Singapore has the most beautiful lightings during Christmas time. Bonus is, I plan to meet some important persons when I go Singapore next month. The first to meet is of course my aunt and my dear cousins because I’ll be staying at their house. Secondly, it would be my jie. I wanted to spend lots of time with her, wandering around and talk non stop. That’s if she is free to meet up with me. =/ But most of all, the one I wanted to meet the most, is him. I know it’s not a sure that he will even wants to meet me, but I really really hope and wanted to meet up with him and spend time with him even just for a while. I can’t wait till Christmas. >< How I wish I can turn the time faster, so Christmas will be here when I wake up tomorrow morning. Sigh, I know it’s not possible at all. I’m just dreaming. ><

A lot has been said and I know it very well. I will try harder. >< A lot of bad things keep on happen to me, I cannot handle this alone, can anyone supports me? Comfort me and console me by pop-up me on msn? T.T I know bad times will go, there will be sunshine after the rain, but I really need someone to tell me that now. ><

Green Tea Latte Frap.

Got complained for keeping on drinking the same drink - *Chocolate Cream Chip*, and so ordered this Green Tea Frap with my brother that day. It actually taste quite good, although at first didn’t get used to it when I first taste it. But after few taste of it, it actually taste quite nice. :)

Had a good talk with my brother. It was a good talk with my brother that night. I even cried in the car while we on our way back home. Thought of something, feel heart pain. All I want is only someone whom I love to cares about me and talk to me, why is it so hard? Or is it too much to ask? >< Tell me? ><

Perfect.

You don’t have to be perfect to be exactly what I need. :)

I know I suppose to be in somewhere spending time with you but couldn’t make it due to some reason in the last minute. Believe or not I feel ten times sad and disappointed. You have no idea how many tears I cried for not able to come. I cannot describe in words of how much I wanted to spend time with you even just for a while. However, I believe there will still be chance. December is not that far as you think they are. Time flies. =)

I believe you know how I feel for you. Said too many times already. Hope you will understand what I said. Sorry for being to stubborn, I guess I’m just so devoted to you :x

I am deeply sorry for not able to come. =(

 

Complications.

Even though I am in starbucks enjoying my Chocolate Cream, my mind is running non stop. Too many things running inside my tiny little brain. Never feel as stress as this for so long time. Too many problems comes in a shot.

Complications, so much of might and maybe. I’m not sure if I can handle this alone.

Compensations, family issue unsolved, unsure journey, I’m 21 years old already, I should be old enough to handle this, but now the fact has just proved that I am not fully ready for this adult world. How so ever, I am in adult world already and I got to get myself ready and face the world of adults which is full of responsibilities. I need to attend problem solving classes maybe.

I am afraid of things I am not sure of. I want to see the world. I wanted to be trusted and let me try to walk. However, I still need my family and friends to supports me when I fall down. But, my dear mom, will you willing to give me the chance for me to prove to you that I am able to take care of myself. I did prove to you once during my 3 months industrial training in KL 2 years ago. I wash my own clothes, I rest and drink lots of water when I’m sick, I kept my laundry everyday after work, I went to shop for groceries needed myself by taking Monorail and walking.

God please bless me for everything smooth for me. I really wanted to go for my trips. T.T

I am.

Something very bad happened…

I am stunned.

I am shocked.

I am so sad.

I am so sorry.

I am speechless.

I am helpless.

Can someone help me? ><

T.T

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I need someone to tell me this. T.T

Anyone please? ><

I have no idea how to resolve this awful feelings. T.T

P.S. I Love You.

Cried very badly just now. T.T Never cry as much as this ever because of a movie. It’s call P.S. I Love You. Heard about this movie earlier but never really watch it before. It even available in books form.

This story is mainly about a girl name Holly and a boy name Gerry and how they met in Ireland. The time when I tuned in to this movie, Gerry already dead due to brain tumor. Everyone were so sad and was holding some kind of Memorial Day for him. At first I didn’t wanted to continue watching and tune to another channel. But then due to the name of this movie is so special, I decided to tuned back to this channel and continue watching it.

Holly got collapsed after Gerry’s death. She said Gerry was taken by the God and it’s not fair. Meanwhile her friends and her mother keep supporting her and console her because they know she is so so sad due to Gerry’s death. Before Gerry died, he wrote Holly a series of letters that will guide her, not only through her grief, but in rediscovering herself. The first message arrives on Holly's 30th birthday in the form of a cake, and to her utter shock, a tape recording from Gerry, who proceeds to tell her to get out and "celebrate herself". In the weeks and months that follow, more letters from Gerry are delivered in surprising ways, each sending her on a new adventure and each signing off in the same way; P.S. I Love You. Holly's mother and best friends begin to worry that Gerry's letters are keeping Holly tied to the past, but in fact, each letter is pushing her further into a new future. With Gerry's words as her guide, Holly embarks on a journey of rediscovery in a story about marriage, friendship and how a love so strong can turn the finality of death into a new beginning for life.

I feel the guy is so sweet and touching. He wrote her letters to guide her because he knows Holly will collapse after he die.

I wanted to say, P.S. I Love You.

Birthday.

Happy birthday to Ah Bee! A guy net best friend I had 5 years ago. Ever since he study in college few years back, we seldom contact already. Still remember we know each other through a very old chat room thingy call mIRC, quite hot back in when I’m 15 years old. Icq, mIRC, even msn is not as hot as it is back then.

Anyone, for some reason we’re net best friend for 5 years. Although we didn’t contact much already, but I still sms him and wish him happy birthday. He reply me *thanks =)*.

 

P/s: Click on this photo to get a larger picture. =)

Despite Ah Bee’s birthday, few years back this date, something huge and bad happened in USA. I believe no one can forget about that 911 incident. God bless to those who passed away during this sad incident few years back. ><

Simply Don’t Understand.

I’ve been having this question in my mind due to the things between me and a good friend of mine. You said nothing happened between us, but you somehow makes me feel I am bothering you. I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t scold you for no reason, I was even worrying you about your situation with your girl. But I thought to give you some space to relax down yourself, and so I didn’t talk to you much on msn.

I mean, why can’t we continue be good friend still if nothing actually happened? I really don’t understand. Can someone tell me why? Cause I really don’t want to lose such a good friend. I thought last Saturday we were still discussing about my KL dinner? However, the hard time will pass, just hold strong, as your good friend, I will surely support you no matter what. Cheer up! ^^

 

P/s: Just a random photo stolen from Aixin’s facebook photo album. =P

National Day.

Finally, Happy National Day to all the citizens of Malaysia. =) Its our 52nd National Day. Was staying whole day at home today while helping mom with her work. Didn’t want to go out since there will be so many people on the street celebrating for this happy day. I don’t really feel any difference from some other holiday because it’s just another holiday for me.

However, today is also my new friend Ivan’s birthday. Happy Birthday Ivan. =) The weather today is not cozy but it’s not hot as well. Guess it is my heart that is upset with things happened around me. My classmate doesn’t seem to like me much. I tried to avoid myself from thinking about it and just see it as I’m sensitive but my that thinking has been proven wrong again and again. I feel so lonely in the class. I can only talk to my notes, my pencil box and my phone. =(

Everything just seem to be so wrong, nothing is right. See Meng is having headache finding jobs. Wj is sad over his personal thing. Kinz is having heartbroken. My bro just got his heartbroken too. I am struggling in between to work part time other places and help out in the office doing something I don’t like. My wish now is only to finish my papers asap and run away from here.

Being lied is something very hurtful no matter to anyone. How does it feels like when you found out that your good friend who you have been known for 4-5 years lie to you? Do you know how hurt it feels? How am I gonna trust you anymore? Huh? I’m sorry to say this but, your quota is full, I’m not gonna trust you anymore.

Even though I know everything is wrong now, but I must be positive. everything will be right very very soon. I truly hope it will be. =)

 

Anyway, once again, Happy 21st birthday Ivan. May you have a great ones. =) Happy Birthday to Malaysia. =)

Better In Time

Seriously, I really hate this period in every year. It is somehow the broken heart season. >< I said that is because since few years ago, there will be people experiencing heartbroken during this period ><

Now those that I know already got 3 people had their heart broken. However, I can only say, things will be better in time, of that, I am so sure. It has to be that way. It must and I know it will be. We should be more positive mar, there are always sunshine over the rainbow. =)

Time will heal, but it also requires own effort to move on with life. But if you can’t move on, then just leave it there. It will automatically moved on as time goes by. How do I know? Because I am trying to get over too. =D However, I will support you on whatever decision you made =)

I know things are very hard for you now. I also know no matter how you will wait for her. Gambateh! Go chase her up! =)

This song is for you. You will wait for her no matter what cause you don’t know what else you can do as you love her so so much. Gambateh! ^^ I’ll be there when you need someone to talk to. =)

I’ll be there for you.

I suddenly feel so confuse. I don’t know what should I do anymore of our situation now. All this while ever since I know you, we were so happy talking all day long. Msn, sms, we even talked on phone.

Out of a sudden, things change. It wasn’t anybody’s fault I guess. Or perhaps it’s mine. I don’t know. I feel so helpless about our current situation. I don’t know how to solve it and return to the days where we used to talk, sharing stories together, and care for each other. I asked you questions its because I want to find out what went wrong between us. However, by doing so I irritated you without knowing it myself. I’m so sorry. I’m just very very treasure and appreciate our friendship. That is why I do everything trying so hard to maintain it. I’m really so scared because I feel I’m losing a good friend. T.T I don’t want to lose a good friend like you. >< You made your point clear enough and I just want to say that now I really just want to be good friends and nothing more. I won’t hope you to like me as in bf/gf type anymore because it seems to bothered you so much.

You talk to me as if I am tie-ing you up with a rope. I don’t want you to feel that way of me. I’m so sorry for everything I did that irritated you. Don’t tell me not to apologize, cause I feel deeply sorry and I apologize sincerely.

Lastly, I really hope you will talk to me again one day where you don’t feel stress or headaches when you talking to me. I really hope that day will come. I will not disturb you anymore until one day you feel like talking to me again. When that day comes, just pop me up in msn as usual again. I am here and will always be here for you if you need supports or someone to talk to. Paiseh for everything I cause. Hope we are still friends. =)

I will throw those bad points you sees in me. Thanks =)

Ends this post with Bon Jovi’s Classic Song.

I’ll be there for you. This 5 words I swear to you. This is for you.

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love in suicide
You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore
Now I'm praying to God
You'll give me one more chance, girl
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
I know you know we're had some good times
How they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday
And baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drink, I'll be the wine
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you
And I wasn't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

Sorry. T.T

Didn’t know talking to me makes you feel this fan. I am so sorry. But please don’t say “don talk forever better still”. T.T

At this moment, I can’t stop myself from crying. Someone who you care so much asking you to leave him alone. Do you know how pain my heart is? T.T I know you need peace. All this while, I never really disturbed you much. Can anyone tell me what really happened until you feel irritate by me? T.T What did I do wrong? ><

2 weeks ago we were still talking on phone. Now you don’t even want to talk to me anymore. Why ar? ><

I need to know the reason, what did I do wrong? T.T

I must have done something wrong until You wants me to leave you alone and give you some peace. I am so sorry for all the disturbance. I will leave you alone for some time. I just hope soo much that we are still friends.

But if possible, I still want to know what did I do until you don wish to talk to anymore. T.T

I’m really so so sorry. T.T

I will change myself into a better person like you ask me to. Just don’t stop talking to me. We’re friends mar, you say we are friends for sure de mar. I will give you peace then. Sorry T.T

Cares.

I just want to say, I feel so grateful enough to be wake up by you every morning. But I am wondering, what actually happened between us which makes us talk like now? You said I did nothing wrong, but why are we like this now? All this while we’ve been friends, isn’t it? We were still fine even 2 weeks ago, how come suddenly everything just got bad? Can anyone tell me what be the reason? I never naughty or do something bad. But I know everything is gonna be fine, yea everything will be fine soon. =)

I’m getting headache with the accounts I’m learning now. I never liked accounts, I get bad result in my spm for accounts and yet I am an account student. But in comparison, I do understand more about accounts now than the first time I had the same subject with my other classmates. I know I can do it, just do more exercise can le. =)

Today Ms. Rachel said wants to fine us for doing something bad in the class. The list is including:

• Play with gadgets in the class including hp and mp3 player.
• Speak other languages in class except English and sign languages.
• Unable to present own self in uniform. * I was told to wear formal starting next week during Ms. Rachel’s class. ._______________. *
• Late to class
• Skipping class without notice or reasonable reason.
• Didn’t pass up homework. *this rule somehow makes me feel like as if we are still in secondary school*
• Doing other subject’s homework during Ms. Rachel’s class.

I should be proud to be the first donor to this fund. I paid 2 bucks for speaking mandarin with my classmates while discussing the class today. Another 40 cents again for talking mandarin with my classmate accidentally while discussion.

Class ends earlier at 2:45pm today. Went down to lobby and sat on the sofa. Adrian came by and talk to me asking me about my god brother in KL. He told me he’s about to graduate soon after this last semester. We talk until 3pm and he went back to attend his 3pm class. My IT Sifu Kar Hing came by after Adrian left. He said hi to me then went up to have his class at 3pm too. Not long after that Andrew appears and saw me sitting on the sofa. He said hello to me and say *long time no see* and I said yea. He said he’s going to class and then he will come and talk to me again later when his class ends. He looks much better and thinner than last time when he was going after me. Looking at him reminds me of my guilty feeling because every single time he ask me out for movies, I never go. Feels bad now. He was a quite nice guy actually, I can only say bad timing because he appears at the time where I am liking Hola. He was after me for roughly 7 months long. He gave up after that. He’s really good in his sweet talk skill, I guess if I’m those 17 or 18 years old de xiao mei mei, I would have fall for him for his sweet talk. Still remember he ask me a day before valentines day, ask me if I can be his valentines. I mistook it as he wants me to dinner with him on valentines day and celebrate that day together. He was actually meant “can you be my gf”. How stupid I am, right? LOL. However, I said no to him because for me, that day is a day for couples to celebrate and we are not so we can’t celebrate it together. Feel sorry for his 22 roses. It’s ex though, RM 99 bucks. >.>

However, roses are pretty. =)

Ordinary.

I am just an ordinary girl wanting something ordinary. I won’t wish to have a rich and handsome boyfriend, I don’t go for branded stuffs like LV or Gucci. I just wanted to be care and love. It’s just a very simple wish, I’ll be satisfy when I feel that someone cares about me. Is that too much to ask for? 

I might look strong to you all but I’m actually very weak inside. All this while I have been acting strong even though I feel pain or sad, did anyone notice it? A lot of bad things happened to me lately and I feel I’m going to collapse soon. I need supports from you all, especially you.

Lately, I have notice something makes me feel so bad. Do you all have any idea how it feels like to know that you actually make someone you care feel bothersome or even disturbed by you? It makes me feel so bad and awful until I don’t know how to react to it anymore. I don’t know how to talk to someone but won’t makes them feel disturbed or bothersome anymore. Can anyone kind hearted enough to teach me that?

Can everything rewind back to the day where you will pop me up in msn to chat with me? I just wanted to talk like “boo what u doing?”. That’s all I ever wanted. No awkward feelings no more sorry. Just talk like “LOL what lor now” or something like that. I don’t like the way we talk now, I feel so uncomfortable. If possible, can you pop me on msn to talk to me again like last time? =)

This is just something sudden appears on my mind after my arguments with my sis. I’m sorry. I am being positive, I love myself more now, I eat meals on time, I stop skipping meals, I trying so hard to make myself more happy everyday. When I’m sad I buy chocolates and lollipop to cheer myself up. I eat bueno eggie and kit kats. I eat McD Sundae Cone. I am concentrate in every class I am attending now. I consider all this is loving myself, tell me, do they count?

P/s: I want to go to the beach so much. =(

Letting Go.

• Confuse
• Heartache
• Tears
• Hoping so much that we are still friends and can be back good friends ><

Letting Go.

This few words has been in my heart lately. I am confuse of what to do about our situation now. I feel heartache of what happened between us because I really appreciate him and appreciate our friendship so so much. I cried because I don’t know what to do. =( I wish so much for us to talk like last time. I don’t want him to feel pressure and fan of me. I feel disturbing him ><

I’m really so sorry for everything I do, can we erase all sad memories and continue talk like good friends? I know I have been contradicting about being good friends with you previously, but I really mean it this time and I really will be like a good friend, let’s be good friends and friends only lor, ok? =( I will let go of you as you want me to as long as you are happy with it. I will force myself to do so. I really meant it. T.T

No matter what you said yesterday, I know you are just trying to make me stop loving you and get over you faster. I’m so happy knowing you got someone you like and love now. You don’t really need to find a reason to make me get over you, just tell me to move on cause you will feel more happy if I can and I will force myself to do so. However, I am not angry even though after you told me the truth. Thanks for telling me the truth. But you can just tell me and I will understand. Sorry. ><

Now I only want to be good friends with you and friends only. Perhaps we are better that way. Being good friends with you and care by you is what I ever wanted now. I will get over you more faster that way. I hope you won’t feel irritated by me and we can still talk like normal. I apologize deeply for all the stress and headaches I cause. ><

对不起... T.T

 

我们还是朋友嘛 ><

Decided.

I couldn’t sleep, I think its because I cried too much just now. I started to cry after my da jie lend me her iPod Nano to listen. I keep skipping songs until one song stops my hand from skipping it. Although this song sounds very nice, but it also makes me cry even more. I am crying because I know I must let go and I’m trying so hard to convince my heart for doing so. >< No one will ever understand how pain my heart is at this moment. When I was singing this song and crying, my heart tells me that I should let go, else he’s gonna feel fan and I am suffering myself too. Why do something that doesn’t make other people and myself feel good?

You all can get this song by pressing on this highlighted link.

Falling slowly

I know I am being stubborn but sometimes I just can’t help it. Stand on his position, if I’m him, I would feel so pressure knowing there is a girl love me this much and yet I’m loving someone else. I should have understand this earlier. Paiseh. I somehow got a very strong feeling that I have to stop what I’m doing now else he will get irritated by me soon enough and I will lost him as my friend. I am super sure and confirm that I will never ever want that to be happen. For this, I feel so sorry. I just want you to know that you are a friend I appreciate very much which I won’t want to lost.

I know what I should do now. I decide to let you go is because I love you too much. You’re already very tired every day since you start to work last week and I don’t want to add more problems to you and making you feel headache. Letting you go is not gonna be easy since I love you so so much. It’s gonna take months or even years. But if by doing so you will feel less guilty, then I will force myself to do so. Although I can’t bare to let you go, but I know that’s the thing you hope me to do now. I feel you will be happy when you know that I finally decide to let you go. I want you to be happy. =)

However, I am deeply heartbroken. I can’t love anyone anymore, at least not before June next year. Sorry for all those headaches and stress cause by me ever since you know the fact that I love you. Zhen de Hen Dui Bu Qi. Lastly, I truly hope that we are still friends. I do hope so much that one day we can back to good friends again where I start to tell you about the guy I like and ask for your opinion on what guy’s thinking. Heh.

I sang this song as well, sounded so much like me. ><

P/s: Heartbroken season is here again. T.T It’s like a curse. ><

Good morning to whoever reads my blog. =)